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As humans we have an insatiable need to feel good about who we are, how we talk, what we own and so on. The quickest way to feel good is then to compare oneself and soak in unsuspicious delight of being better than those around.
"Look at what she's wearing, its hilarious."
"OMG, look at his belly. He's so fat!"
"What a suck up!"
"She thinks shes better than everyone."
Do these sound familiar? Ever think about the times when you felt good about yourself? How many of those incidents were when you were unknowingly or maybe even knowingly comparing yourself to those around and feeling good about being better than them?
The biggest psychological marker that validates us as a person, is our self-worth. Self-worth is the value you put in yourself, or the value that others put in you, for what you offer as an individual. Unfortunately, the mammalian brain within us, very often creates memories and beliefs which build around us self-doubt of who we are, and what we are worth. The reptilian brain now taunts us to self-preserve by building our self-worth by comparison.
What use is comparison, if its not shared or felt good? So then comes judging and gossip, that raises ones self-esteem while building self-worth, alas though just momentarily!
So what does judging others to hold them in negative light, to feel good about yourself then tell you about you?
Low Self-Worth: do you seek validation as a person and turn to put those around you in a negative light, so that you can feel good about how good you are? Or do you seek validation of your identity, your race, colour, religion, etc. by showing indifference to others around?
Fixed Mindset: do you believe that your way is the best and others need to just follow it? Or do you have trouble listening and accepting someone else's suggestions?
Low Self-Esteem: do you tend to personalize incidents and conversations even when they are generic and not related to you? Or do you tend to make the conversation about you or your laurels?
Lack Confidence: do you feel threatened by the talent around you? Or do you feel jealous when you realise that someone is better than you?
Lack Empathy: do you enjoy seeing others in pain? Or do you feel good and incline to flaunt your privilege whenever you get a chance?
Denial: are you pretending to be someone else by making fun of those that share your true traits and behaviors? Or are you in denial of your own thoughts and emotions and choosing to be someone else for acceptance?
Obscured self-vision: have you trapped yourself to be someone that enjoys mockery and ridicule? Or have you lost sight of who you are authentically, just to be able to fit in, be accepted or gain popularity?
These are but food for thought, that I hope you contemplate on the next time you catch yourself judging or recall on the times that you have done so. So is there a way out? How do we fix it? Is there a way to avoid it completely? Presenting to you 4 easy solutions:
Self-Acceptance: The first thing in therapy with me, is recognizing and accepting who you are as a person. This means, breaking down barriers, removing your social mask to unveil the real you. Once you build self-awareness, you will be able to understand who you are authentically. Once you understand who you are authentically, true acceptance happens and then the journey to sustained self-worth, self-esteem and self-vision.
Mindfulness: When someone around you is different than you are, resist the urge to compare and pass comments. Instead just iterate in your head, why are they different than you? Ask yourself, "Do I feel threatened? If yes, how? What can I do to overcome this jealousy?"
Curiosity: Accept and build on the curiosity to become a better person. This step will flow seamlessly once the above two are accomplished. Use that curiosity to pick on traits that others have that you can benefit from. Change the emotion of jealousy to inspiration and help it build you as a person.
Compassion: Build tolerance to accept others for who they are, without slotting them in buckets of race, religion, colour, intellect, status, wealth, etc. This one step can put you in an accelerated path to personal growth and development.
To conclude, know that 'judgement' is less about people but more about who you are- your strengths and weaknesses. When we judge we lose the ability to accept someone, to see who they really are, to form a connect even.
The instinct of judging arises from curiosity, which is great. Why is someone different from us? But that curiosity turns to self-preservation(fight or flight mode), where we judge and then either run away or ridicule the other person. Changing that emotion to inspiration to become better is a great way to resist the urge to judge. Or changing that emotion to acceptance and compassion because that's what humanity is all about!
Feel free to leave me your comments or get in touch with me.
By Harleen Bagga Multi-Disciplinary Psychotherapist, Self-Awareness Based Transformation Coach.