Secret of a successful relationship!

If only there was an absolute recipe or secret to nail this, life would not be as multi faceted and colorful as it is now :-)! This segment is dedicated to my friends with whom many hours have been spent in discussion. As committed dearies, putting it in words so that it may help others too.

That said, the most frequent gripe is, “My husband does not talk to me anymore” or “my wife is not interested anymore”. Conversely, there is also the complaint, “My husband does not understand” or ” My wife does not care”. While there is no cookie cutter approach to getting this fixed, there are a few things we can do before we accept defeat and compromise for life.

While it is easy to move on from one relationship to another, when the going gets tough, a true test of your character is sustaining what you have. That does not mean, compromising and accepting a relationship that’s bad. We will talk about dealing with bad relationships in another blog. Todays discussion is about 2 people not necessarily bad individuals who together have got lost in the daily rut of life or so caught in playing the best couple on social media that they have nothing to talk about behind the camera.

John F Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”. Similarly step one of doing a deep dive in your relationship, is understanding what we are doing for it. For the sake of this discussion lets divide our diaspora into 3 segments, prevalent even today!

SEGMENT 1: Humans are generally narcissistic in nature, which means that in our heads, the little we do is magnified into this herculean gesture that deserves acknowledgement and reward. In todays day and age when we hold the man and woman equal, can you imagine the disruption if each person in the relationship is looking for an out of proportion ovation? How long do you think this relationship will last when emotional expectations are not being met?

SEGMENT 2: Given the history of human evolution, women have historically been taught to be the giving and compromising arm in the relationship. So psychologically, if I am getting all I want without even asking, my brain will tell me to take it for granted. It gets especially worse, if indirectly I am being encouraged to think only about myself, throwing compassion and empathy out of the window. Who do you think I will turn out to be? Definitely not someone that you’d want around you for long! And yet we have so many caught in this relationship, which unfortunately becomes the way of life for our kids too. What would you say would be the happiness or couple quotient for this couple?

SEGMENT 3: The split between the 2 segments where the woman is independent but by virtue of her upbringing holds the man on a higher pedestal, sometimes even unknowingly. She is in constant conflict with herself, perhaps saying “I am strong” but really wants to be hugged and reassured. Converse for the man too, who puts up a brave front but longs for company when wife is away partying with girlfriends. How far do you think this confusion and lack of transparency will take them?

We are not getting into the vices and virtues of these segments now and how to break out of it. You can reach out to me for a 1:1 discussion or write to me about it or wait for me to write about it. The focus of this discussion is relationships. That said, given the above, do you think we are naturally set up to have a fail safe or super successful relationship?

Relationship is about work in progress, there is no other way. And perspective helps you direct your work into the right channels, which was the reason behind the broad segmentation. Perspective will hopefully act as your guide, making you more tolerant or giving you courage to take those hard decisions.

Siblings living under the same roof, under the guidance of the same parents turn out so radically different often times. Now think about the inherent differences between your mate and you- gender, environment, family, culture, spirituality, money just to name a few.

If you think these differences were not enough to work as odds against the relationship, I present to you the Endocrine system- human hormones. Hormones is one of the main contributing factors to our emotions in tandem with other faculties. The high that we get, the feeling of wanting more, anger, depression, the motivation that keeps us going, anxiety, stress, rush and so on. Humans are wired to want more. While upbringing and environment play a vital role in this, the adrenalin junkie in us wants us to push our boundaries and experiment. The flakiness of serotonin release (feel good hormone) might sometimes encourage us to flirt very generically speaking.

How do we circumvent these holes? Very simplistically (for the purpose of brevity in discussion) by building multiple bridges of communication, and I don’t mean just words.